We only want a table at a restaurant .....

Me: "I would like to book a table please - and I should let you know that we have 1 vegan, 1 vegetarian, and 1 with gluten-free needs. I hope you can accomodate us?"
Fankie&Bennies (an hour later they call me back): "I'm sorry. We cannot give you gluten free food, but if you want to bring a gluten free pizza from Tesco we will heat it up for you."
Me:"I'm sorry - did you just tell me to bring my own food?"
F&B:"Not at all, madame. It's just that we can't offer gluten free food, but I know for a fact that Tesco do a gluten free pizza. If you bring a pizza from Tesco, it will be more cost effective for you, madame, and you still get to have that full restaurant experience."
Me: "ummm ..... No thanks."

Me: "I would like to book a table please - and I should let you know that we have 1 vegan, 1 vegetarian, and 1 with gluten-free needs. I hope you can accomodate us?"
Prezzo:" Well, for gluten free you could have the chicken salad, or the calzone, or ...."
Me:"Hang on .. isn't calzone like a folded pizza?"
Prezzo: "Umm... I don't understand ..."
Me:"Isn't it made from dough?"
Prezzo:"Yes"
ME:"Made from wheat flour?"
Prezzo:"Yes"
Me:"So, not gluten free, then?"
Prezzo:"No"
Me:"OK ... well, I know I can have the risotto- I've had it before, but the important diner is the vegan - it's for her birthday. Can you accomodate her?"
Prezzo:"Well, there's the garlic bread ..."
Me:" Does that have butter?"
Prezzo:"Yes"
Me:"So, not vegan, then"
Prezzo:" Ummm... no? There's the bruschetta"
Me:"Your online menu says that has mozzerella on. Is that right?"
Prezzo:"Sometimes. There is also the pasta al forno."
Me:"Does that have cheese on?"
Prezzo:"Yes"
Me:"So ... not vegan?"
Prezzo:"But it has the 'V' on the menu, this must be wrong..."
Me:"V for VEGETARIAN, but I need to know about VEGAN food?"
Prezzo:"Well, there's the chicken salad...."
Me:"Are you serious?"
Prezzo:"Yes"
Me: ...

Good Grief.
We're booked in at ASK.

Beauty at Dawn (flash fiction)

I'm feeling like I should get back to writing again, so step 1 is going through my older collection. This piece was originally 100 words exactly, for a competition (I won), but I recently re-found it with an extra 50 words tagged on, and I like the twist I gave it (though it's not perfect - there's an obvious flaw). I might come back to expand it further though.

Beauty at Dawn

He knelt by her slender, naked body.
No resistance was offered as he lifted her, arm behind her shoulders. He tilted her chin gently, raising her face closer to his. Brushing back a few stray hairs, he stared deep into her brown eyes. Slowly he let his eyes wander over every detail of her pale face.
In the brightening sunlight water rainbowed in her hair.

Finally he laid her gently back on the riverbank. Taking a deep breath he stood, and turned to face his fellow officers, huddled, hushed.
“It’s not our mis-per. Take her to the morgue… identity unknown.”


He turned away; returned to his car. Now a new file would open for this murdered enchantress. The missing teenager would slip from people’s minds and he could breathe easy again. The investigation had almost come too close.

Turning the mirror he smiled at his reflected eyes. “You did good.”